Intermarriage Positioning

“What do your parents think about you marrying someone who’s not Jewish?” her soon to be father-in-law asked her. 

Without skipping a beat, she retorted, “Probably just about what you think about your son marrying someone who is."

Oooh. Zinger. Good one! The soon to be bride was my mother. The soon to be father-in-law was my grandfather. They were talking about my mom and my dad’s interfaith relationship. 

You see, since the time of Romeo and Juliet, and really much, much before that, there has persisted a stigma around intermarriage. Both from within the Jewish community and outside of it, and among those who perceive the mixing of any kind of couples whether they be along the lines of religion, race, or otherwise. 

Our family story is one of my Jewish mom and Unitarian dad. But these messages from communal leaders about how to dissuade couples from falling in love across lines of difference have persisted for millennia. As the book of Ecclesiastes says, “there is nothing new under the sun.” 

It’s no surprise that I wrote my rabbinic thesis on the hot topic of intermarriage as it was discussed in the 1844 rabbinical conference in Brunswick, Germany, the first-ever official assemblage of Reform Rabbis. I love that at the time, there were several who promoted acceptance and revealed a position of being unafraid of what that would mean to the future of the Jewish community. For instance, they, in fact, did not require the children from these marriages to be exclusively taught about Judaism. They simply required that the children ALSO be taught about it. They were confident that Jewish life would persist simply because they were convinced of the value of Jewish values and Jewish ways of life. They knew that any Jewish tradition worth practicing would be worth it not because it was forced upon people nor because other options were hidden away. No, they wanted Judaism to persist in the hearts of people who affirmed that Jewish life was worthy of continuing on its own. These thinkers, Rabbi Dr. Ludwig Philippson, Rabbi Dr. Samuel Holdheim, Rabbi Dr. Mendel Hess, and others, are my spiritual forebears. 

This is, in part, why I am so passionately identified as a Reform rabbi. My position is not to fear those who grow up in households forged among those with different religious upbringings, and certainly not to shame or shun those who are part of them. My position is rather to affirm and welcome and educate and empower those curious by sharing what I know to be the abiding value of Jewish tradition, whether it is experienced in a vacuum or in relationship with any other tradition. On its own, Jewish tradition is worthy, and to value it does not diminish anyone else’s value of their own tradition. 

As someone who hailed from an interfaith household, there were plenty of times when I was made to feel inferior to those who had two Jewish parents. There was the time in 2nd grade when kids told me I wasn’t “really” Jewish because my dad wasn’t Jewish. (Nevermind that traditionally Jewish identity flows through the mother). There was the time when in 10th grade our teacher said that interfaith marriage leads to half Jews and their continued intermarriage would lead to consecutive diminishment of Jewish identity to be whittled away until there is no Jewish identity left at all… and then he added… Hitler wins.

Was I the living embodiment of Hitler’s dream of eradicating the world of all Jews everywhere? No, and not on my watch. What my teacher and the kids in my class failed to acknowledge (or realize) was that anyone who hailed from an interfaith family could recognize the inherent beauty and meaning of the Jewish tradition. My tenth grade teacher and my second grade classmates were, and many remain, shortsighted. 

Over the past decades, the Reform movement has slowly come to realize all that we have been telling them for decades: that interfaith families are not a threat to Jewish continuity. On the contrary, practices of exclusion and shaming are. And over the years, Reform rabbis have begun to exercise their rabbinic authority in blessing interfaith couples and welcoming them into Jewish institutions. I, unsurprisingly, have been a huge advocate of that. 

But not every movement is aligned this way. This past week, the Conservative movement issued a new 37 page paper on the topic. But, while they were trying to become more welcoming, the “ick” factor once again prevailed. There is an apparent and profound discomfort, among the authors, with interfaith families. The paper is laced with disapproval, even if it is not the express disapproval of the 80s and 90s that the paper describes where “it was unacceptable for a congregation to offer congratulations upon an intermarriage to those intermarrying or to their family, or to the Jewish parent or grandparent for the birth to an intermarried couple of a child who was not Jewish at birth, or to accept a donation marking such a moment.” (p.7) 

Though the paper seems disapproving of that earlier even harsher strategy, it is still written from an insider perspective with allusions of “our welcome” to “those families” and speaking of making them into “allies” (p.3) rather than part of the precious fabric of the community. It describes an ulterior motive where members of the Conservative rabbinate “should see each encounter with intermarried couples as an opportunity to guide them to actualize a Jewish present and future, inspired and shaped by Jewish traditions.” (p.3) It even speaks of wanting to “assure them we care for them,” (p.3) rather than mandating actual care for them. The issue is more than semantic to me. And, it frankly feels like the kind of Christian proselytization I have encountered where people love me so much they want me to become Christian.

Because of the depth of my studies and readings (and wow you should see the name-calling that was hurled at Reform Jews during the 19th century!), I am not often surprised by comments on this topic, even extreme ones. But, this recently issued paper actually surprised me (p.6) in that it would require that someone like me, who was raised in a household with a Jewish mother where Jewish practices were followed (including Shabbat dinners, holidays, and other Jewish customs and practices), to immerse in a mikvah because my household also included my father’s practice of Unitarian traditions (including having a Christmas tree). This requirement is insulting and it reveals a narrow understanding of what life in a mixed household looks like. It is now added, together with my salient experiences in 2nd grade and 10th grade (and other) moments, as a piercing moment of institutional push-out. 

As a rabbi and the product of an interfaith relationship, the paper is again disappointing. And I say this as someone who knows some of the members of the committee personally in various contexts. At its core it seems rooted in fear and mistrust, in a sense of us/them and is devoid of recognizing that interfaith families have something unique and precious, even vital to contribute to the Jewish endeavor. And, the rabbis who pieced this piece together fail to take responsibility for the further alienation that they cause to those of backgrounds like mine. They are creating a problem and they are fracturing the community with these kinds of statements more than the initial intermarriage would or could ever do. That is my position. 

When I engage with interfaith families, I am not there to move them in any direction. I am there to give them information if they request it. I am there to share with them the beauty of the tradition and the teachings that I see and that I incorporate into my life. And I am there if they are interested in discussion the process of conversion. But my engagement is not condescending or out of a secret hope that anyone converts if they don’t express interest. To secretly (or not so secretly) hope for that would be to shame. And it is honestly not where I find myself. I do not recommend that kind of evangelism for that very reason. 

Being Jewish is not for everyone. It is beautiful and I have dedicated myself to Jewish life. But it is not something to proselytize. And my read of things is that our forebears, with their insistence that we not proselytize, would agree. Judaism is worth choosing on its own. And if someone doesn’t see that, then it’s not for them. That’s okay. And, as I mentioned, if they want to explore Judaism, I'm here for that, too.  But it is up to them. As rabbis, we are there to educate and empower, and to help people make informed decisions about their own lives.

Perhaps, that's why, in my experience, more often than not, when genuine welcome is extended, and even more when affirmation of place in the community is recognized, interfaith family members choose Judaism. The 2005 Greater Boston Jewish Community Study, for instance, recognizes the impact of a positioning of acceptance rather than fear or shame. It’s no surprise to me that when the shame is removed, the push-out stops, and people are able to see the beauty that Judaism offers.

Fortunately, for me and everyone in our Keeping It Sacred community, ours is a place of affirmation, validation, and invitation of everyone to take their place at the table, to roll their sleeves up and engage in Jewish life in all of its facets. And what a blessing it is when we all do this!

We know that welcoming and appreciating all in our community is how we keep it sacred.

Together, we’re #keepingitsacred…

Rabbi Heather Miller

Founder, Keeping It Sacred

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