Showing Love
Newsletter February 13, 2023 Together, we're #keepingitsacred... “To have the most positive impact on children, fathers literally just have to be in the room.” This finding from a study was recently shared with me by a father who happens to be a teacher. He is great. and quickly followed up with citations about how much praise he would get simply by taking his kids to the store, as if he were some hero for parenting, and decidedly NOT in the same way a mom might be received at a store with children. Parental expectations that differ based on gender of the parent exist and are extremely problematic.
But what I want to pull out form the study is this fascinating idea that showing up for our loved ones is among the best ways to make a positive impact in their lives, regardless of gender. It is among the best ways to show love.
When relationships are strongest, we show up for one another. We answer the call to be there. In the Torah, that responsive presence is encapsulated in the word, “hineini,” which means, “here I am.” But not, “here!,” like a grade school kid might answer a roll call. Rather, “here I am, ready to respond to the fullness of who you are and what you need with the fullness of who I am and what I have to give.” It is a kind of sacred answer to the call for presence.
In fact, “hineini" is how both Abraham and Moses, two of the most iconic figures in the Torah, replied to God when they were called to service. This term defined their covenantal relationship with God. One of seriousness and responsiveness. One of presence.
In life, when someone is absent from a big moment in your life, you feel it. In those moments bonds are broken. But when people show up for you with a meaningful phone or FaceTime call, or show up for lunch or on your doorstep, bonds have the chance to be strengthened.
I know a person who was once in the position of caring for her post-surgical partner and felt alone trying to keep her partner out of pain an on the path to wellness. She said one of the best acts of loving support she received came in the form of receiving a fresh pizza delivered to her doorstep, ordered by a friend from across the country. Showing up. Showing care. Even remotely. This is the Jewish way to show love.
There are a few steps to knowing how to properly activate the spiritual responsiveness of the act of saying, “hineini/ here I am.”
First, check in on your own feelings about the situation. Is it an explicit request or is there something you identify you can do for the other person? Are you able to show up? Or do you not have enough gas in your tank to show up (literally or spiritually speaking)? You must be willing and able to set boundaries — you can still show up in ways that maintain your limits. Sometimes a nice handwritten note can be better than a $100 flower arrangement.
Second, showing up should always place the receiver at the center. Meaning, the giver has to know what would actually make a difference to them, how they would like it to be given, and at what magnitude. This means that if a person wants a pizza, send them a pizza, don't send them prime rib— especially if they are vegetarian!
Third, don’t discount the benefit of simply being a presence. In chaplaincy, we learned this as the concept of being the “non-anxious presence.” Be okay to just be in the room and to help witness whatever the person is going through, be it a challenge or victory. That is a sacred act.
So, this Valentine’s day, find a way to show love by saying, “hineini.” And may it be received well!
Together, we're #keepingitsacred… Rabbi Heather Miller Founder, Keeping It Sacred |
The above is an excerpt from a Keeping It Sacred newsletter. If you want to read the entire newsletter or any from our archives, please head over to: keepingitsacred.com/news And if you'd like the newsletter delivered to your inbox every week, please share your name and email address in the fields at the bottom of the page in the purple boxes. Thanks for your interest, and thanks for #keepingitsacred… |