A Traditional Jewish Wedding

Newsletter June 2, 2025 Together, we're #keepingitsacred...

“What a beautiful fully traditional Jewish wedding - I loved it!” commented a woman after a gay wedding I once officiated. She was in her 70s and from New York, and she said it with a smile.

She loved the wedding-- her energy and warmth made me know she did love it, but it was her cheeky use of the words “traditional Jewish wedding” strung together at a gay marriage that really tickled me.

In truth, each ritual element we included in the ceremony, from the welcoming under the chuppah to the circling to the ring exchange, Sheva Berachot, and glass breaking, were traditional ritual elements of a Jewish wedding. And, from her perspective, because these ritual elements were used, this wedding, indeed this queer wedding, was traditional.

It was important that she was so affirming, using this particular term, "traditional," since bigots have weaponized it to narrowly define intimate love as that between a man and a woman. They have weaponized it to exclude queer love and to shame and degrade members of the queer community.

I appreciated that she reframed the word "traditional" to be inclusive. She affirmed that two grooms sanctifying themselves under a chuppah was every bit as full of tradition as anyone else. At the heart of Jewish weddings is indeed the sanctification of love, and the communal celebration of that love is VERY traditional.

Intimate love in the Jewish tradition is first seen between Adam and Eve. And, isn't it wonderful that Torah describes their love with the term, “ezer k’negdo”? It's a term that literally translates as “opposite helper,” but it means that at the heart of things, sacred partnerships should recognize the differences among those involved— as no two people are created exactly the same and so there are different perspectives and viewpoints each brings—  but also that they should function to help one another fulfill their purpose. The sacred part of the relationship isn't defined by the body shapes of those involved-- it is defined by the relationship being one of positive challenge and growth. That's how the tradition defines it.

PRIDE Month is the traditional (see, now I'm going to use that word!) time to affirm that queer love, too, should be celebrated. And this needs to be celebrated with parades and messages of love and support because of the centuries of homophobic hate the queer community has faced. I invite you to pause to appreciate the great struggles members of the queer community have faced-- we have persevered through hateful religious and secular discourse that aim to shame (like those who claim gay relationships are a sin or who chant "Adam and Even not Adam and Steve!"). We have fought back against an insidious anti-gay agenda in the political sphere (the way Harvey Milk and his team helped defeat Proposition 6 in California). We have created sacred spaces celebrating love even as they have been violated by violence (as when the NYPD stormed Stonewall in New York City, and when the shooter murdered patrons at Pulse Nightclub in Miami). Despite harsh struggles, the sacred work of affirming love continues. And what’s more Jewish than that?

To all the members of Keeping It Sacred who identify as part of the queer community, and all who support us, together we’re keeping it traditional, together we’re keeping it sacred.

Together, we’re #keepingitsacred…

Rabbi Heather Miller

Founder, Keeping It Sacred

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