On Mourning and Memory

Newsletter May 19, 2025 Together, we're #keepingitsacred...

I decided to take a walk to think about writing this newsletter. I knew I wanted to share some thoughts on memory making and mourning in honor of the upcoming Memorial Day Weekend. And in the midst of walking and jotting down some notes via voice to text on my phone, I came across these gorgeous roses in the front yard of a home nearby. I instinctively stopped to proverbially smell the roses. Scientists say that smell accesses some of the most vivid memory synapses in the brain, and wow are they right! As I smelled the roses, it hit me. The unforgettable scent of those pastel candies my grandma Kit, would pass to me during High Holy Day services. The garden that my grandma so carefully tended in her backyard. The bright pink painted petals that she loved. I was writing notes considering how meaning and memory were formed in Jewish tradition, as I was living it. It’s small moments like these that catch us off guard and continue to give the gift of connection.

Have you ever been hit by a memory of a loved one who has passed? Perhaps when a particular song comes on the radio, or when cleaning through an old box of photos, or when someone says an idiom they used to use. Memory strikes and it strikes clearly! And remembering those who have passed, takes many shapes and forms, and depends upon the mourner and their relationship with the deceased.

This weekend is Memorial Day weekend, and it is a day to remember those who have died while serving in the US military. And how we remember matters. We might remember by laying a wreath on a tombstone. Or attending a parade honoring current service members. Mourning as a community helps us remember that we are not alone in our grief.

Taking time to remember is a deeply held Jewish value as well. We have many holidays that would have us remember all those who have passed, not only those who served in the military.

The Jewish community has days reserved for communal mourning, too. Recently, we observed Lag B'Omer, the holiday that commemorates the passing of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yohai under the atrocious Roman laws that sentenced those who taught Torah to death. We remember the destruction of the Second Temple every holiday known as Tisha B'Av.We remember the losses of our people during the Holocaust on Yom HaShoah where we are told to zachor/remember, and there is also an Israeli Memorial Day known as Yom HaZikaron.

And, our tradition encourages us to remember loved ones every festival season through the Yizkor remembrance ritual, because at holidays we are already taking note of who isn't with us, and our tradition knows it’s important to give voice to remembering in that way. The word, Yizkor, actually means "remembrance."

Monday, May 26 would have been my grandmother Kit's 105th birthday. Fitting that it falls on Memorial Day. That will be a day of grief that is laced with sadness and missing her. But it will also be a day filled with deep gratitude for her presence in my life and for her enduring influence. And gratitude for this Keeping It Sacred community, this KITS community, named in her loving memory.

So perhaps, today or this weekend, it’s a good idea to consider the memory of the loved ones in your life whether they served in the US military or not. How does their life translate to enduring significance in yours? In what ways do you feel most connected to them still, even as they have passed?

One of the ways I feel most connected to my grandma is by embodying her joyful and welcoming spirit, especially with those from around the world. When people would come to her antique shop, she would always delight in the country they hailed from, and appreciate their perspective and experiences. This past Thursday, we had members of Keeping It Sacred tune in from Jerusalem/the Middle East, Africa, Europe, North America and the Arctic Circle! Building this community in her loving memory keeps me connected with her. That's how I'm keeping her memory sacred.

Together, we’re #keepingitsacred…

Rabbi Heather Miller

Founder, Keeping It Sacred

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The above is an excerpt from a Keeping It Sacred newsletter. If you want to read the entire newsletter or any from our archives, please head over to: keepingitsacred.com/news

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