The Deep Pause

Newsletter June 5, 2023 Together, we're #keepingitsacred...

Before a person shares a truth about their life, there's a moment of deep pause that happens. The pause may last a split second or decades, but in that moment, a person calculates if it is safe to share more of who they are authentically. In the queer community, that moment precedes their courageous truth-telling, correcting false assumptions society makes on their gender or orientation.

That moment can be terrifying. Why? Because of homophobia and because of hostility towards the trans and gender non-conforming community. The reality that people are killed every day for trying to live their truth-- a truth that doesn't happen to line up with the structure society promotes.

And even when physical violence isn't at risk, close bonds may be. It is chilling to think that coming out to a co-worker, dear friend, or family member, may sacrifice the relationship. Fear of isolation, ostracism, or negative social and economic repercussions are real.

This month is PRIDE month, a month that gives everyone the excuse to signal to members of the queer community that it is safe to come out. That a person will be celebrated for who they are in all that they are regardless of gender or sexual orientation. And everyone deserves to be celebrated for who they are in all that they are. PRIDE month helps take the fear out of living authentically. PRIDE month minimizes that pause before sharing truth.

This month, as part of PRIDE, some schools around the country step up to support kids in the queer community. PRIDE in school reminds kids that school is a safe place for learning. It is a place where people of all genders and orientations and family structures are affirmed. So that kids like mine, who have two mommies, can answer the truth-- that no, they don't have a daddy, they have two mommies. And they can share their truth without fear of violence or social ostracism. They can do so as a simple matter of fact, and get back to their learning. PRIDE in schools allows everyone to be more authentic in their existence and takes the terror out of coming out about themselves or their family structure. Educators are often invested in creating this type of safe learning environment.

That's why I went to a local elementary school this past week to stand with teachers and administrators who wanted kids to know that they support families that come in all constellations-- ones that live with a mom and dad, or perhaps two moms. That they support families that live in apartments or houses, that like to cook or go out to dinner. That they support all students in all of their learning. A popular way of sharing their support for kids with all kinds of families is by reading to them from a book called The Great Big Book of Families (see it HERE). And indeed this school planned to share this book at an assembly in honor of PRIDE month.

But, in days leading up to PRIDE, administrators were met with fierce resistance from people who twisted the idea of this assembly and staged a demonstration. They whipped up far-fetched imaginings of teachers and administrators grooming elementary school kids for gay sex. A PRIDE flag was burned. One demonstrator I spoke with actually believed that at the assembly, administrators would instruct these young kids in sex acts-- which, by the way, would obviously have been very inappropriate whether the instruction was in queer or heteronormative sex acts. They brought all kinds of banners that called for the school to "Leave Our Kids Alone" and to "Stop Grooming Our Kids." As you might imagine, the protest got heated. I, and the clergy and lay colleagues I stood with to support the teachers and administrators of the school, were screamed at and called all kinds of names.

There was clearly a fundamental misunderstanding of what teaching The Great Big Book of Families was meant to do, and how reminding kids that they were safe at school was indeed age-appropriate. What kids need at the elementary school age level, and I say this having been an educator for more than 25 years, is an awareness that families come in all shapes and sizes and that they will be welcome at school whatever shape their family is in.

I, with the strong support of the KITS Community, was proud to stand with clergy colleagues and lay people in support of the school. I felt like my family was personally supported by those who stood with us. Teachers, families, and administrators, school board members and state senators felt supported, too, as they thanked us sincerely for our presence at the school.

Unfortunately, in the days since, I have seen awful things shared online about me and others who stood with the school. I was targeted for publicly sharing the significance of schools reminding kids and families like mine that they are welcome and safe there. It is scary. And awful. And sometimes I wonder why I am even doing this work, taking big personal riske. But then I remember the teaching from Talmud Berachot 64a which reminds us that peace is made for children when people build it. I have a sacred obligation to speak my truth and make room for other families and kids to share theirs. So we can just get on with the learning.

Thank you to everyone who has sent a message or financial contribution to Keeping It Sacred to show your support and act in solidarity. To affirm that the Keeping It Sacred community is a community that walks the talk. I truly couldn't do it without you.

This is how together, we’re #keepingitsacred…. 

Rabbi Heather Miller

Founder, Keeping It Sacred

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