Repair Work, Part 2

Newsletter May 20, 2024 Together, we're #keepingitsacred...

This is part 2 of 2 in our initial newsletter on the work of repair, found HERE. 

Who apologizes for institutional harms?

Last week, I sketched out some basic harms that were perpetuated across decades by one institution, Hebrew Inion College-Jewish Institute of Religion (HUC-JIR). And the ritual they offered after decades of advocacy by the leadership of the Women's Rabbinic Network, and other individuals. 

The ritual was a reaffirmation of the initial ordination. Only this time, the remarks by the President, Provost, and a member of the board of trustees centered around apology, teshuvah/repentance, and the values of Torah that would compel them to formalize the apology in ritual like this one. 

Those participating were given the opportunity to choose any ordained rabbi we wanted to perform the ceremony. Naturally, I asked my first teacher of Mishnah from 8th grade who officiated my bat mitzvah, my consecration, my middle school culmination, who is among the vatikot/ respected founders of the WRN, and who lived her own story of gender discrimination- Rabbi Leah Kroll.

In a fitting twist of fate, because I became bat mitzvah at the age of 15 and not the traditional 13, this year was my 30th batmitzvahversary, and also by happenstance, the college had decided to host this ceremony at the same synagogue and in the same chapel as my original bat mitzvah. So, this ritual would be performed by my rabbi on in the same room on the same bimah and in front off the same open ark as my bat mitzvah nearly exactly 30 years later.

As I ascended the steps of that bimah, I allowed myself to focus on what I usually try to ignore- the weight of gender based discrimination on my shoulders.

I hadn’t quite realized how much was there. And as I took step after step, literally making aliyah/ going up to stand before the open ark, to stand before the original rabbi who sparked my love of studying Mishnah and Talmud and other rabbinic texts, I was already moved to tears.

Before me that day, others had ascended the bimah to be reaffirmed- great visionary rabbis who I respect and admire for their strength and lifetime of service. Their expressions already indicated to me the power of the day and ritual.

Now was my moment for HUC-JIR to repair the brokenness of my original ordination. At that time, I had been ordained by then- President David Ellenson, z”l, who was a great historian and someone with whom I had discussed my thesis and who had nurtured my growth as a rabbi. I was glad he had originally ordained me. This ceremony was not a repair of that.

This ceremony, for me, was about the fact that during my time as a student on the New York campus of HUC-JIR, I had paired up with a chevruta partner /study buddy throughout rabbinical school but we were given different certificates simply because he was a man and I was a woman. In rabbinical school, he and I had geeked out pouring over the same texts in the library for hours after school nearly every day. We had both opted to take our classes for grades though others had opted for a pass/fail structure. We did our chaplaincies and our theses at the same time. And took all of the same core courses and many elective courses together. Our education was nearly identical. But he was treated differently because of his chromosomes.

I would have expected this from other denominations. In fact, once, my chevruta partner and I were taking a break from our studies and, on our way to a restaurant, we walked across Washington Square Park. There, a Chabad emissary approached us. “You Jewish?” he asked my friend. After responding in the affirmative, the man asked if my friend would like to perform the ritual of laying tefillin (a daily spiritual process of wrapping phylacteries). “No thank you,” my (male) friend responded.

I piped up, “I would like to.” His response was discriminatory but not surprising. He said no I didn’t “have to,” articulating the position of the movement with which he was affiliated. “I know, but I’d like to,“ I replied. From there, he said that women were considered closer to God, and therefore didn’t need to perform this particular ritual. Again, I said in your worldview, I may not be obligated to, but I would like to.

He then indicated that not being obligated to do so meant that I would not be welcome to do so. That was that. That kind of thing happens to women all the time in certain movements. It is simply their worldview that there is a gender binary, and men have different obligations than women.. I understood that and acknowledge that patriarchy had been ingrained in his movement.

However, in our movement, the Reform movement, with HUC–JIR the premier ordaining institution, it was especially hurtful to know that I had been discriminated against simply based upon gender. Our movement professes values for equality among people of all genders. So, my moment participating in the ritual of repair for HUC-JIR represented their alignment with their own professed values. And it was an acknowledgment that they recognize that everyone is truly created, B’tzelem Elohim/in the image of God, equally. If they were going to apologize, I would accept it.

It was important to me to bring the closest members of my family to that ritual that day. Why? Because each of them had a hand in supporting me through rabbinical school. This was an apology to them as well.

And, this time, I also brought my two children, who were not yet born when I was in rabbinical school. I brought them because I wanted to learn of the history of gender discrimination, and see what addressing of that kind of harm would look like. I also wanted them to understand the power of repair, saying you’re sorry, and the importance of engaging in that kind of healing.

I felt connected with the old school way of ordination happening- from teacher to student. From someone who had invested the time and energy into my growth as a rabbi from the earliest of days, sparking within me the desire to learn more. Of someone who nurtured my learning and saw me as a student first. And with whom I learned without the weight of patriarchy encumbering my learning. This is how it should be.

As I approach the open ark, and I saw my rabbi standing there, I noticed she had some thing in her hands. It turned out to be a paper I had written in 1992 on the life of Rabbi Yohanan ben Zakkai and his innovative spirit setting up Yavneh after the fall of Jerusalem. I will not reveal here the contents of her remarks to me, but suffice to say in that moment, I felt seen and heard and affirmed. Much Mishnah and Talmud and Torah was quoted. (If you know me and my love of sacred texts, meet my teacher!) 

Afterward she placed her lifted hands on my bowed head, she blessed me with the priestly benediction, effectively re-affirming my earlier ordination. That moment was everything.

Afterwards, I thanked the President of the college for this powerful ritual of repair and told him I accepted the apology. I was able to do that. For myself and the harms I personally had endured at the college. Others will have their own relationship with the repair process as others were harmed in other ways, some in physical ways, and some in sexual ways. Those repairs will need to be addressed one by one between the college and them and their loved ones, and the Jewish people. Because when someone's light is dimmed in the community, it darkens all of us. And, that's just what it is. Harm has a way of rippling outwards and impacting those around. And apologies must be made to each and every one who is on the receiving end of it.

In fact, Rabbi Kroll taught me that from the old chasidic pillow story about how harm is like the breaking of a feather pillow in the center of town. Just as the feathers scatter to the winds, trying to repair the damage and collect each and every feather is quite a challenge. Nevertheless, as the Mishnah Pirkei Avot 2:21 teaches, "You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to desist from trying."

In all, the work of teshvah/repair is difficult. As difficult as collecting all of those scattered feathers that have landed harm all around the community. But, in every case, it is incumbent upon us to try to address the harm and seek to repair. This is a lesson for not only HUC-JIR, but for all of us with every harm no matter how big or small. This why there is power in the act of teshuvah/repair. This is how we keep it sacred.

Together, we’re #keepingitsacred...

Rabbi Heather Miller

Founder, Keeping It Sacred

---

GRIEF IN THE MIDDLE EAST

TODAY! Hosted by Keeping It Sacred, in collaboration with Muslims for Progressive Values, and Nefesh: Hear from those living with Grief in the Middle East as we invite members of the Parents' Circle to share reflections on their experiences as people who have lost loved ones in violence. Explore human suffering and a new vision for the future. Join us at 9am PT | Noon ET on 5/20. Register here!

Our speakers include:

Robi Damelin, spokesperson and director of International Relations for the Parents Circle - Families Forum joined the organization after her son was killed by a Palestinian Sniper. All her work on the ground both in Palestine and Israel and internationally is geared towards non-violence and reconciliation as a means to end the occupation. Robi was named as a 2015 Woman of Impact by Women in the World. She regularly contributes to media outlets in Israel and abroad. Robi was invited to brief the Security Council at the United Nations in May, 2022.

Laila Alsheikh lives in Bethlehem in the West Bank. In 2002, her 6 months old son, Qussay, became ill and Israeli soldiers prevented Layla from taking him to the hospital for more than five hours. Qussay soon died from the lack of timely treatment. Laila joined the Parents Circle in 2016. Following her son’s death, she never thought of revenge, but rather has devoted her time and energy to ensuring a better, more peaceful future for her children 

The Parents Circle - Families Forum is a joint Israeli-Palestinian organization made up of more than 700 bereaved families. Their common bond is that they have lost a close family member to the conflict. But instead of choosing revenge, they have chosen a path of reconciliation.Through their educational activities, these bereaved members have joined together to take tens of thousands of Palestinians and Israelis on journeys of reconciliation. It is often raw and always emotional. But out of these interactions, comes change. Not the kind of change that makes headlines, but a more personal and profound shift in perspective.As a joint Israeli-Palestinian peace organization, the PCFF models constructive dialogue around shared values. Even since October 7th, 2023, its staff, members, and thousands of participants are still committed to peace and a way forward that centers around empathy and humanization.The PCFF focuses on the shared value of the sanctity of human life. This conversation brings our attention to the values that Palestinians and Israelis can agree upon even in the darkest of times.

---

The above is an excerpt from a Keeping It Sacred newsletter. If you want to read the entire newsletter or any from our archives, please head over to: keepingitsacred.com/news 

And if you'd like the newsletter delivered to your inbox every week, please share your name and email address in the fields at the bottom of the page in the purple boxes.

Thanks for your interest, and thanks for #keepingitsacred...